Homeschooling and the Whole Shebang...

Disclaimer - No individual; child or adult was hurt or affected during the events which transpired below.


Preamble- Never have parents prayed so fervently for their children’s schools to restart. Never has it been less likely to happen in the foreseeable future. We are living in unprecedented times. We are drinking unprecedented amounts of coffee and if we are being very honest, wine too.

 As I finally sit in my not so quiet corner to start jotting down my thoughts I realize that I cannot string a single sentence in my head or frame my thoughts and put them on paper without being interrupted at least 5 times within 60 seconds (yes, I decided to keep count lest this discontentment is part of my imagination). The reason behind my disgruntlement is none other than the constant attention that my boys have been craving since this pandemic took over our lives.

Homeschooling; seems more like 24/7 school because the questions and demands do not end even post the 1 pm stipulated time that ‘school’s out’... The latest and most repetitive one is to upload the math homework on the padlet which will disappear into thin air if I don’t attend to it instantly.

So, I decided to set aside my little, new found hobby and martyr my time, energy and myself to the responsibilities that motherhood has bestowed upon me even though my new found self-affirmative inner voice is goading me to sit put and not relent to the newest demand; with the justification “to be a (role)model, not a martyr to them.”

Instinctively inner voice has been commanded to take a back seat for a moment and instead I finish the above-mentioned task and automatically check my teenage boy’s email, my 9-year-old boy’s email and then my email to ensure I haven’t missed out on anything since the last time I checked all 3 accounts precisely 15 minutes back.

I’m relieved to see no new messages and then I go into my spam just to make doubly sure I haven’t missed out on any new information that may need my immediate attention. I skim through it rather briskly and one email jumps out at me like a sentence in a novel begging to be highlighted. The title is “500 ideas on how to keep your kids entertained.” This could be useful. I mean; if I had 500 ideas surely, I could keep them occupied for ... and this is a long shot I know, but maybe 30 minutes.

Within the next few minutes, I realise why tech is smarter than me and knows how to sift through the pile of junk and decide what belongs in the spam folder.

But then I consider delving into searching the web for some innovative ideas on how to actually keep kids occupied. I come across articles about how you should just let kids lie around and not worry about them succumbing to an extended summer break sliding into Christmas break in the next 6 months to 2 years that they will be home. Of course, I keep scrolling ...

I watch a video on getting into a Zen state by indulging in some calming art form called Mandala art. This could create the much-needed tranquillity I’ve been yearning for and decide to give it a shot. Needless to say, 2 boys want nothing to do with anything even remotely tranquil and by now I am fantasizing about injecting myself with a tranquilliser.

As I continue my search,I stumble upon a “simple” science experiment.It requires food colouring, hand sanitizer, self-rising flour, rapid acting yeast, dry ice, Himalayan pink salt, liquid nitrogen, bespoke lab coats and very cooperative looking children.

I laugh hysterically…

I decide to take a break and go to my kitchen and dig in the back of my refrigerator until I find some leftover ice cream and quickly consume it while hiding from my kids. While this little detour of indulgence hits the right spot, I ponder that my children are in the phase that comes after crawling but before they go off to college. But where’s the sweet spot in this journey for parents and is there ever really one?

I get a frantic voice note from my son wondering where I’ve disappeared and how he cannot find me anywhere and needs some very important advice on which player to get in his NBA LIVE game which is yet another online game he’s discovered in lockdown and is taking up most of his mind space.

I quickly lick the final remains on my spoon to avoid the risk of getting caught out in this weak moment of guilty pleasure and go to resolve the very critical problem on hand.

I spend 20 more minutes in vain and finally give up because I’m interrupted by my 13-year-old who wants me to quickly printout 6 pictures of Denmark for his graded geography project; the dimensions of which have to be only 5cms by 4cms to fit into very neatly carved out spaces in between all the prose. I accumulate all the pictures of Copenhagen (sigh!), Tivoli Gardens (sigh! sigh!), the famous Nyhavn waterfront area (tears well up in my eyes and threaten to stream down my cheeks with distant memories from 2 summers ago) and 3 more similar pictures with analogous reactions and manage to fit them all on one-page, exact dimensions and all and feel extremely accomplished.

I hit ‘Print’.

Nothing happens.

Low ink error message blinks on the computer screen.

Refill ink.

Attempt to print again.

Paper jam.

Clear jam.

Attempt to print yet again.

Red light flashes which is impossible to decipher.

I take a deep breath.

I let my mind wander again to a vision of me standing on the Nyhavn quayside amongst the restaurants and multicoloured houses but this time I’m taking this printer and flinging it into the narrow serene canal which isn’t so serene anymore!!!

After this immeasurably satisfying vision, I manage to pull myself together and google “resolving printer problems”.

I search for help on online printing troubleshooting and follow the given steps.

Print.

Rejoice!

Hand sheet to 13-year-old who has been unexpectedly patient.

Return to the kitchen and eat a whole bag of crisps.

Then I go back to my computer and open MS Word to pick up where I left off my thoughts and start writing before my 9-year-old taps me on the shoulder and hands over his Hindi sheet to upload with a vehement prerequisite that it has to only be in PDF format.

I go back to searching the web and this time around the search goes – “5000 ideas to entertain 9-13year old’s extremely bored and demanding boys whilst imprisoned in lockdown!!!” (I open 2 simultaneous search windows – one that goes “how to convert files to PDF format” and “5000 ideas to entertain 9-13year olds…”)

Conclusion - The kids are (probably) going to be alright, but what about their parents?!