We are sitting in a circle; this new circle of friends that has got formulated in recent months courtesy-the pandemic. We are basically a bunch of individuals who look forward to our weekly get-togethers on our building terrace comprising of you guessed it; a handful of us who have got close because of geographical circumstances that the lockdown has forced upon us. We like to tell ourselves that this is the ‘safest’ option we have as of now since we cannot meet any of our other friends in our regular haunts which we used to frequent in otherwise ordinary times. On one such balmy night; I find myself gazing pensively into the calm, inky blue sky and it almost seems like the Mumbai skyline is trying to seduce me with it’s beautiful purple and yellow lights twinkling and swirling all around me. The stars are sparkling. The moon is gorgeous with it’s light shimmering on the water like a promise.
I’m abruptly drawn out of this reverie by a sharp nudge and soft giggles of one of the girls. I inhale a combination of the acrid smell of alcohol and delicate citrus hint of a Jo Malone perfume. Or, is it the citronella of the mosquito repellent spray some of us have applied to combat the deadly mosquitoes which are ever so present in this outdoor setting so as to not add to our ample health concerns? While I’m trying to solve the mystery of the origins of the citrusy whiff in my head, I hear one enthusiastic friend pipe up with a suggestion to play “Never Have I Ever…” Of course it turns into a fun game and questions start getting bolder and directly proportionate to the drinks settling into our bloodstream. There isn’t a winner but there are people who end up drinking a lot more than others leading to everyone letting go of a great deal of stress and struggles of this strange and unprecedented way of living.
The next day when I’m back in a state of sobriety I think about my ‘never have I evers’ and I feel like the first part of my life was a tad bit boring and I have got a bit of a late start on my bucket list which I am determinatively working on.
And then I start thinking that I have had some experiences I never want to repeat again and so begins my list of Never will I ever (again)
1) Never will I ever finish a movie or read a terrible book to it’s conclusion when I’m not enjoying it
2) Never will I ever attend a party or social gathering when I’m just not in the mood
3) Never will I ever pretend to like shit I don’t like
4) Never will I ever apologise when I know I’ve done nothing wrong
5) Never will I ever ignore my feelings
6) Never will I ever short change myself of my happiness and healing process
7) Never will I ever beg someone to stay in my life when they would rather leave it
8) Never will I ever get served and settle for bread crumbs in any relationship
9) Never will I ever let others decide for me what I truly want
10) Never will I ever say ‘YES’ when I want to say ‘NO’
11) Never will I ever indulge in mundane, lifeless conversations with folks who don’t give me a good vibe
12) Never will I ever act out of fear of what others may think of me or perceive me as
13) Never will I ever place myself at the bottom rung of the ladder
14) Never will I ever try and control how long anyone chooses to play an active part in my life
15) Never will I ever give anyone access to me if they don’t play an active role in my life
16) Never will I ever feel guilty for prioritising my mental and physical well being
17) Never will I ever make excuses for someone else’s red flags
18) Never will I ever ignore the red flags for fleeting, instant gratification
19) Never will I ever allow anyone to disrespect me
20) Never will I ever spend a single extra second with people who make me feel like I am either too much or not enough
21) Never will I ever let anyone convince me that what I want for my life isn’t realistic or possible
22) Never will I ever allow standards and opinions of others to decide my worth
23) Never will I ever choose to make things look perfect over being real
24) Never will I ever think twice and hesitate about speaking my truth
25) Never will I ever settle for anything less than an enthralling life filled with beautiful moments
My Never Will I Ever List looks like this. It may look like yours too because we often forget that in this crazy world where we are always trying to fit in and compete for the best spot; we do share similar human experiences. We dream big dreams but often we are faced with disappointments. We may have very different beliefs and notions about how we should live and conduct our lives but our emotional experiences often converge.
Maybe if we focus on that thread that pulls us all together to make us human instead of pulling each other’s threads apart; we could watch the world unravel. Perhaps then we all would understand each other more and get slightly more tolerant towards each other.
Never will I ever again isn’t a game but a mantra, a manifesto and a ‘note to self’ on days my resolve weakens and I am tempted to repeat toxic patterns from the past. It’s also a reminder of what I have endured. And how much I have thrived (not just survived) and how I now choose to live.
Never will I ever again isn’t a game but a mantra, a manifesto and a ‘note to self’ on days my resolve weakens and I am tempted to repeat toxic patterns from the past. It’s also a reminder of what I have endured. And how much I have thrived (not just survived) and how I now choose to live.
👍👍👍🙌 spot on
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